Photo courtesy Field Museum Library
Today’s post is by Springingtiger, who writes about his experiences with Asperger’s over at Springingtiger’s Blog.
I thought I would like to provide a comment on and introduction to a series of blogs – Mature Autism – I have started on my blog, Springingtiger’s Blog, looking at my autism from my fifty-six year old vantage point. So exclusively for YAI Autism Community…
Some of you may already know that my wife prompted me to seek a diagnosis of Asperger’s because I was having serious problems handling major changes at my work. It had never occurred to me that I might have Asperger’s. All I knew of Asperger’s was Jerry in Boston Legal and I didn’t think I was like him – although I did have some tics and occasional stimming and an ability to adopt other personas – it came as a surprise to me that others thought I might be. I always knew I was slightly different from most people but to go from “odd person” to “person with Asperger’s” is effectively a change of identity.
I am not sure if the best way of handling change is to undertake an even bigger change but that’s what I did and it inaugurated months of upheaval. I inevitably started exploring my autism and so – instead of controlling odd behaviours I must confess I indulged them. I think I went through a big F.U. stage where I said (figuratively, not literally and not out loud), “I have Asperger’s so I can behave oddly and you have no right to try and stop me so get it roond ye!” I think this period was necessary for me, but not entirely useful in terms of social interaction. It was good to be able to examine the behaviours I usually try and suppress under the light of autism and the aspects of my self that I cannot suppress. I became aware that my rhythmic behaviours are irrepressible but that I can frequently – when I become aware of them – convert them into something less obtrusive, I think the need is satisfied by the rhythm rather than the specific behaviour. I have also become aware that sometimes the effort of trying to control some behaviours is exhausting and not always worth the effort; however awareness allows me to choose when to make that effort – this is socially very useful.
One of the most useful things I have been doing is re-examining the events of my life in the light of my autism. I cannot change the events of my life but I can now understand much more about why I experienced them as I did and it has brought a new sense of completion. I have looked at my contribution to the events of my life and realised how much autism has played its part – often for the good as well as the bad. The fact remains that what I have done or not done I have done or not done – no one else, me. The choices I made – however ill-informed – were made by me. I can look back and forgive myself for the things I did and particularly my lack of understanding and I must extend that forgiveness to those around me – although some actions remain inexcusable although forgiven – we were all ignorant then.
One of the saddest aspects of life with autism is the frustration of never being able to adequately express thoughts and feelings appropriately and on time. Much of my life has been “too late” because my processing of events has completed minutes, hours or even (three attempts to type “even” small wonder I am an infrequent blogger!) days later and it is socially unacceptable to storm up to someone and bawl them out for what they said last month – may sometimes happen! If it’s frustrating for me how much worse for those with serious impairments – I am reminded very much of a relative with cerebral palsy whose eyes were bright but who had been robbed of speech and physical control – there are intelligent people in this world being treated as if they are stupid merely because they cannot communicate.
I am glad I can now eschew some of the behaviours I indulged in my investigative period and return to my strategies of control. There are actions I can take in my life arising from my awareness to ensure I am properly cared for. Of course some things I just have to accept – although there are adjustments I can make to obviate their effects – lack of spacial awareness, clumsiness, face-blindness, blackouts, tics and an ability to understand things from the point of view of much of society.
In the final analysis these things are part of who I am and I like me.
